Snowball
We named her Snowball because of the cat from the Simpsons. She goes by other nicknames such as “kitty,” “sleepy kitty,” “furry kitty,” and “stop biting me, what the fuck.”
As a Simpsons related aside — Hank Azaria, you are a coward for giving up voicing the character of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, and this is coming from a first generation Indian American. The character was a cultural touchstone. The show started sucking ass a long time ago, and though it is personally gratifying and profoundly funny to me that the Whites have spent decades finding new things to apologize for — there’s a global reminder on their Outlook calendars — you should have doubled down on the fresh-off-the-boat Desi affectation of Apu. There would have been more dignity in that.
Dearest Snowball, I wanted to write some things about your character and demeanor before you get too old and/or develop a taste for human blood. We adopted you on Halloween of last year after a (going out on a limb here) crazy-cat-lady dropped off a box of eight kittens at an animal hospital and then ran off, presumably to her existing domicile that features a small army of feral cats. You and I share the same birthday, which makes you nearly a year old. What you enjoy:
- Shiny things
- Other people’s water
- Literally any object I can throw, particularly toy mice with rattlers in them
- Laser pointers
- Murder
- Attacking people’s feet (covertly, or otherwise)
- Attacking people’s hands
- Thinking you’re invisible despite the fact that all the carpets in the crib are white
- Destroying phone and computer cords
- Pushing things off tables, even if the objects are extremely heavy for your size
- ‘Cheddar biscuits’
- Kneading blankets (see number 11)
- Whitefish
- Climbing things and tearing up screen doors
- Investigating cabinets/toilets/showers
- Making puzzles
- Sitting on people’s laps at inconvenient times
- Sitting on my laptop and typing the letter ‘K’ 1000 times
- You recently extracted several Tandoori chicken bones from a closed trash bag. You are basically a dog and a 6am menace.
This is what I can think of right now. Everything is so new, bright, and vibrant for you. You are a cat and cannot read the English language. We love you.
Dad
